Friday, March 31, 2006

Red America’s Little Problem

In the 10 months that I didn’t post here, my research team and I conducted many studies and experiments. After collecting and analyzing many different data sets, we have come up with some interesting findings. The following is one of them.

There is an inverse relationship between vehicular size/power and genital size/function in the American male.

Now, this may sound like an obvious statement. We’ve all heard the jokes about men in fast cars or large trucks “compensating for something,” but, until now, it had remained conventional wisdom, a truism. Now, thanks to the diligent efforts of my research team, we have established not just correlation, but causation and extended effects of this phenomenon.

There is a complex feedback cycle that we have identified involving environmental pollutants, industry, government, and society, and their effect on the psychological and physiological development of the American male.

The cycle starts in the womb. A male fetus is exposed to hormone disrupting pollutants, such as pesticides and other chemicals from his father’s immaculate lawn, phlalates from his mother’s Tammy Faye Bakker makeup job and the ubiquitous plastics in the packaging of the processed food in the average American diet. Furthermore, there are plenty of these chemicals in the drinking water. The effect of this prenatal exposure is that the male is born with small genitalia.

As the male grows up, his small penis affects him psychologically. To compensate for his tiny genitals, he develops a love of fast cars, large trucks, and more often than not, guns. He has anger issues, especially toward women, after some psychologically scarring early sexual experiences. (He cannot get the image of the girls in high school holding up their little fingers and giggling as he walks by out of his mind.) He finds homosexuals threatening because they undermine his strict worldview of what constitutes being a man. He embraces an ideology with rigid, well-defined gender roles.

He is drawn to politicians, and their mouthpieces on the radio and on television, that appeal (sometimes subtly, often overtly) to his superiority due to the fact that he is male (it’s the fact that he has a penis, not its size that matters). Invariably these politicians are conservative, often highly religious, Republicans. These Republicans use various tactics to dissuade him from voting for anyone else, telling him that the other party will take away his guns, make him drive an electric car, and lose his rightful place as the king of his castle. In order to keep him from wising up, they convince him from an early age that intellectual pursuits and challenging the status quo are “faggy.”

He votes for these Republicans, who in turn, proceed to dismantle whatever environmental regulations there are. The water gets more polluted, more unregulated chemicals are allowed into foodstuffs, packaging, and other products. Eventually, despite his low sperm count, he manages to reproduce, and the cycle continues in the next generation.

In summary, the predominantly Republican states get more polluted, the pollution causes the males born there to have smaller penises, the Republican politicians appeal to their insecurity and convince them to vote for them, which keeps the states polluted, and thus ensures a supply of angry, pinky-penised men to keep them in power.

In conclusion, women are advised of the following:

1) Men from liberal areas are less likely to have been exposed to penis shrinking chemicals. (You know what that means, ladies!)

2) Women are advised to not have sex with men who drive large trucks or powerful cars. If you want a good lay, pick a guy with a small Honda or Toyota. (He’s got nothing to prove, if you know what I mean.)

Please take this advice, as many of our female researchers are still pretty creeped out by some of the things they had to do to gather this data. If you wish to help them in their recovery, please send Irish whiskey or Vicodin. We are currently working on getting them their medical marijuana cards. Please don’t let their sacrifices have been in vain.


Anonymous verplanck colvin said...

it's phtalates, but who's counting?

At any rate, please add VW Golfs to the approved vehicles that the ladies should look for. Available in diesel (which is easily run on enviro-friendly biodiesel), this small car is good looking and its rear seats can fold down for late nite trysts.

10:06 PM  
Blogger dAVE said...

Pltalates - Man, I thought that looked wrong. Thanks.

VW Golfs are OK, too.

To expand of fold down rear seats: Ladies, hatchbacks (such as a 1976 Datsun B210) are actually very romantic cars!

9:40 AM  
Blogger dAVE said...

can't spell today. "of"="on" - two letters and I couldn't get them both right.

9:40 AM  
Blogger dAVE said...

arghh- and phtalates -OMG - just like most of my traffic is me checking my own blog for comments and traffic - most of the comments are me correctimg my own spelling in my own comments.

9:44 AM  

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