Friday, April 14, 2006

Kourtesy Karma Kop

It’s Good Friday, a big travel weekend, and I’m taking my usual commute train. Check this out: the way the train is laid out, on some places in each car there are two pairs of seats facing each other with a table in between each pair of seats. This woman sitting across from me is effectively taking up three seats. She is sitting in the one closest to the window with her feet stretched out so that anyone sitting in the seat opposite her won’t have any room for their feet, and she has her bags in the seat next to her. I’m sitting in the seat diagonal to her, across from her bags, which makes me look like an asshole, because I’m blocking off the inside seat, which I am forced to do because of her feet.

Not only that, I can’t stretch out my legs because she has a bouquet of flowers on the floor across from my feet. Big mistake, lady. If my station is before hers, I am seriously going to stomp the fuck out of that bouquet on my way out. Just watch me. Fucking discourteous bitch!

That’s right. Here I am, right near you typing this with a neutral expression on my face, but I am filled with righteous rage, and I. Am. Taking. You. Down.

You cannot take up three fucking spaces on a crowded train with no repercussions. Hell no! Oh yeah, the conductors walk by, like they don’t see what your doing. But they do. They just want to get through their shifts with no drama. Well, if they won’t enforce the rules, I will.

I’m a badass motherfuckin’ manners vigilante, bitch. You know that urban legend about the guy who shows up in the emergency room with a cell phone up his ass? It was my motherfuckin’ disciple who pulled that one off, motherfucker.

If you take a parking space that I was dutifully waiting for, having exchanged eye contact and gestures with the driver who was pulling out, yer ass has better be prepared to deal with four flat tires when you come back from your errand. Oh, not slashed, that’d be wrong; just deflated.

And in the express lane at the grocery store, you’d better not have more than the allotted number of items, and DON’T YOU DARE get all fuckin’ complicated at the end with coupons and exchanges and writin’ checks and taken ten goddamn minutes to figure out what fuckin’ cigarettes you want and argue about the price on every goddamn item. Not in the express lane! I’ve got fuckin’ ice cream here, and it ain’t getting any colder!

And to the asshole that peels out his car every time he goes around my corner, you are lucky I haven’t finished my electromagnetic pulse cannon yet, ‘cause I’d fry every circuit in your car as you went by. I’m gonna hunt you down as soon as you get a license plate on that piece of shit manhood compensator you drive around.

You see, you ain’t any more important than anyone else here, and you’d best learn that as quickly as possible, because courtesy toward others is the basis of civilization. If there’s one thing that Jesus and Buddah and any other philosopher worth anything taught, it was that you need to think of others in how you behave in this world.

And I ain’t waitin’ for no cosmic karma to take care of shit, ‘cause karma never does. I take action, I enforce causality consciously. You reap what you sow, what goes around comes around, an’ all that shit.

Peace. Happy Easter, everybody.


Blogger Lily said...

You are a rageful, but interesting, guy.

I think that on one hand we can appreciate selfish bitches aqnd their desire to expand their consum-wares all about a train but courtesy compels us to at least keep some of the junk in our laps and minimize the leg extension. Don't they have a special car for people like that yet?

And speaking of peeling out, this little punk ass did it while I was in a parking lot and then I ran into him in the store. I HAD to ask. I walked up to him and told him I really needed to know what motivates such stupid behavior. Asshole is like "Its cool,its funny." OK America. Weep now for the future. This is the reason for peel outs?

So I tell him I always thought it was a way for small little men to say 'look at Me". I really hate that. Please patent your device and sell it on a late night infomercial or bamzu or SOMETHING.

6:09 AM  
Blogger trog69 said...

Wow, that rant felt as good as a half the crossword-shit, early enough in the morning to not
make me late for work! Ahhhhh

6:46 PM  

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