It moved in on Thursday and was immediately a charming addition to our family. Last night I stayed up with a little wine and the piano and had a wonderful time murdering The Girl From Ipanema. (Any cops monitoring this blog, please don’t take that last phrase out of context.)
Anyway, afterwards, I caught Conan O’Brien for the first time in ages, and after that, I started flipping around for something interesting. I turned it to Dinner for 5 on IFC. It was an episode from 2004, with Kevin Pollack, Jeff Ross, Hector Elizondo, and Laura Kightlinger.
What the fuck did Laura Kightlinger do to her face? She was sporting a botox/plastic surgery rictus. It really kind of freaked me out and destroyed the image I had of her.
At this point, I must say that Laura Kightlinger, along with Janeane Garofalo were two women that really should have hooked up with me in the 90s when I was single. They really don’t know what they missed. I was totally attracted to them because they were sassy, smart, funny, irreverent, attractive women. I thought Janeane was totally hot when she was a little chubby. Rowwr! And Laura, oh Laura, I would watch that one standup thing they kept showing on Comedy Central whenever it came on. The one where she talks about the Bob’s Big Boy statue with rusty water coming out of its butt, and compares it to weeping Mary statues ‘n shit like that. When I heard that Laura had married Jack Black, I was disappointed because, I like Jack, but I knew that they would both be happier if I was married to Laura, and he was my comedy collaborator.
Though I think it looks horrible, I expect the grotesque plastic surgery from aging actresses like Melanie Griffith, Meg Ryan, and Nicole Kidman, trying to get a few more roles in their careers, and from weird B list, celebrities like Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers. And have you seen Janine Turner lately? She had some sort of chin implant and fish lip job. Ugh.
But not Laura Kightlinger and Janeane Garofalo! (Janeane has the botox paralyzed maxilla thing going on now, probably because she started to get smoker’s wrinkles around her upper lip.) No, they were supposed to be too independent and self-assured to bow to the pressures of the entertainment machine. They weren’t supposed to be so shallow.
They really should have hooked up with me back in the 90s. I would have been good for them. On the other hand, Dweezil Zappa wasn’t able to keep Lisa Loeb from carving her face up. Me and Dweezil should hang out some time.