Saturday, April 01, 2006


A friend of mine overseas asked me and the Wyfe to adopt his piano while he’s out of the country. The piano had been couch surfing for a while and had run out of places to stay. Not wanting it to fall into a seedy existence in dive bars and reality porn, we decided to give it a foster home in our house.

It moved in on Thursday and was immediately a charming addition to our family. Last night I stayed up with a little wine and the piano and had a wonderful time murdering The Girl From Ipanema. (Any cops monitoring this blog, please don’t take that last phrase out of context.)

Anyway, afterwards, I caught Conan O’Brien for the first time in ages, and after that, I started flipping around for something interesting. I turned it to Dinner for 5 on IFC. It was an episode from 2004, with Kevin Pollack, Jeff Ross, Hector Elizondo, and Laura Kightlinger.

What the fuck did Laura Kightlinger do to her face? She was sporting a botox/plastic surgery rictus. It really kind of freaked me out and destroyed the image I had of her.

At this point, I must say that Laura Kightlinger, along with Janeane Garofalo were two women that really should have hooked up with me in the 90s when I was single. They really don’t know what they missed. I was totally attracted to them because they were sassy, smart, funny, irreverent, attractive women. I thought Janeane was totally hot when she was a little chubby. Rowwr! And Laura, oh Laura, I would watch that one standup thing they kept showing on Comedy Central whenever it came on. The one where she talks about the Bob’s Big Boy statue with rusty water coming out of its butt, and compares it to weeping Mary statues ‘n shit like that. When I heard that Laura had married Jack Black, I was disappointed because, I like Jack, but I knew that they would both be happier if I was married to Laura, and he was my comedy collaborator.

Though I think it looks horrible, I expect the grotesque plastic surgery from aging actresses like Melanie Griffith, Meg Ryan, and Nicole Kidman, trying to get a few more roles in their careers, and from weird B list, celebrities like Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers. And have you seen Janine Turner lately? She had some sort of chin implant and fish lip job. Ugh.

But not Laura Kightlinger and Janeane Garofalo! (Janeane has the botox paralyzed maxilla thing going on now, probably because she started to get smoker’s wrinkles around her upper lip.) No, they were supposed to be too independent and self-assured to bow to the pressures of the entertainment machine. They weren’t supposed to be so shallow.

They really should have hooked up with me back in the 90s. I would have been good for them. On the other hand, Dweezil Zappa wasn’t able to keep Lisa Loeb from carving her face up. Me and Dweezil should hang out some time.


Blogger teh l4m3 said...

Oh you think you would have wanted to hook up with Lisa Loeb, but you would have run from her screaming after about five minutes. Listen to that song "Stay" again -- really listen to it.

PS: "the Wyfe"? Ha ha. You make it sound like you married Geoffrey Chaucer's sister.

9:29 PM  
Blogger dAVE said...

Well, yeah, not Loeb. Have you caught her show "Number One Single?" -SCAAAARYY!!

RE: Wyfe - She's wife with a "y", like "womyn". See, we're not actually legally "married" - 'cause that would be supporting the patriarchy.

I've got to go do some dishes now.

9:32 AM  
Blogger Sean said...

I used to dig Janeane Garofolo, but my band briefly had a woman working with us on management-related stuff who is an actress. She was one of the counselors in Wet Hot American Summer, and reported that Janeane was a raging alcoholic who was pretty tough to work with. She'd down a large bottle of hard-alcohol-du-jour each day on the set, and was generally tough to deal with off-camera.
Man, that's a great movie, though.
Lately, I've had a thing for Sarah Silverman. Hot, inappropriate, crude and still funny as hell. Damn shame she's with Jimmy Kimmel.

5:59 AM  
Anonymous Dan said...

Not botox apparently:

4:48 PM  

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